If You Spoke Only Russian

Bragging can be lots of things: Brash, arrogant, annoying, self-centered, rude and more.

Can bragging be funny? When we know the brag isn't intentionally vain or even true, like when a little boy wearing new sneakers tells a runner who's on a five mile run that he can beat him in a race.

Can bragging be endearing? A lot of singers have tried this tactic, like Lou Rawls, claiming that he wasn't bragging on himself, but said, "You're Gonna Miss My Love." And Prince famously said, "I would die for you."

So what if my song's hero started his brag at that level, but added some graphic details?

If you and I
Were being chased by wolves
Or a grizzly bear
That had tasted human blood

I would lay down my life
So you could escape
I would lay down my life
So you could carry on...

OK, so this person isn't really bragging. He's claiming that he would be heroic if one of these unlikely circumstances occurred, claiming virtuous qualities that it seems likely he'll never need to prove.

If you and I were captured
By and alien race
Of murderous lizard men
Out to rule the earth

I would lay down my life
So you could escape
I would lay down my life
So you could carry on...

This one seems even less likely. And yet this guy is trying to take credit for being selfless and sacrificial toward the woman he's trying to impress.

Would you think of me fondly
Remember my face
Tell the children about me?

And would you laugh out loud
Watching the Titanic
It would seem so mild
Compared to what I'd done?

This refers to, of course, Jack giving up his piece of floating debris in the movie Titanic so that Rose can go on living. I wanted my protagonist to brag very blatantly that he wasn't impressed.

Kind of like Charlie Sexton's song "I Am Not Impressed," where he names historical and literary couples, then claims, "I am not impressed/I love you the best." Pretty confident. Maybe not realistic at the age that he wrote the song, but cool anyway.

If I had just left it there, my hero wouldn't have the tenderness needed to complete the effective love boast. So...

If you and I
Were the last man and woman
Left here on earth
And you spoke only Russian

And I spoke only English
Would you try to understand me?

The first part comes from watching the old Twilight Zone series episode called "Two." I really like Elizabeth Montgomery (Bewitched) and Charles Bronson (The Magnificent Seven) in the roles of the last man and woman left on the planet after an all out war.

Then comes the fun. Our family loves the cartoon series, Kim Possible. We've watched every episode at least ten times. "A Possible Family Christmas," is a real gem, for lots of reasons, but if you listen hard you will find that I borrowed part of Snowman Hank's big song to finish off my own.

Put aside our petty problems
And embrace your fellow man?

Would you think of me fondly
Remember my face
Tell the children about me?

And would you laugh out loud
Watching the Titanic
It would seem so mild
Compared to what I'd done?

For the record, my wife thought the song was funny, which was my goal. Humor is more effective than bragging.

Desperate Grasp


I remember hearing The Smiths for the first time. It was in a record store when vinyl was on the wane, cassettes were on top and CDs were gaining popularity.

It was "This Charming Man." I wasn't sure what it was about exactly, but it sounded so different than what I was used to hearing on the radio that I immediately wanted to hear more.

Many years later, I started playing guitar and writing songs of my own. The Smiths always had sort of a handmade feeling. Not raw like punk, but not slick like the normal radio pop songs the DJs constantly played that said "nothing to me about my life."

I wanted very much to make a song that sounded raw and intelligent and funny and swinging, like The Smiths at their best.

I liked all of their albums, but for me "Louder than Bombs" was their best because it felt B-side-ish, which I think it was to some extent. I listened to it probably too loud on whatever passed for headphones back when I was in high school, and "Rubber Ring" still speaks to me just as clearly and passionately as it did back then. (Click the link to read Jake Brown's post from 2003. Can that year be right? Wow.)

I had been traveling for work more than usual, and I noticed sometimes you would sit next to someone fairly chatty who confided in you maybe as a stranger more than they would someone they actually knew. Or maybe I was that person.

In the final days of a failing company
A business man sat on the plane next to me
He said there'd been questions, irregularities,
Still he'd never done anything knowingly illegal

He met a girl when he was twenty one
He never quite got her face out of his mind
He looked her up lately and her life had come undone
And maybe she'd be happy now to see him

I remember those two verses coming easily. Then the chorus, which sounds overly dramatic but also true.

It's a desperate grasp to find anything that lasts
It's a desperate grasp to find anything that lasts

It's a desperate grasp to find anything that lasts

Longer than a young girl's smile...

I thought it would be funny for someone to tell secrets in his sleep, but instead of a lover's name, etc., it would be formulas for making a proprietary plastic.

He nodded off and he spoke in his sleep

Reciting formulas from memory

Exotic plastics and dense French poetry

In an accent that was hauntingly familiar...

When it came to the bridge, I used a snapped off piece of progression that I had made a year or more before trying to imitate part of David Bowie's "The Man Who Sold the World." Actually, it was Nirvana's cover version. I used a noise/synth app on my phone to do the little solo.

We landed and we walked up the gate

He was heading for the city and running late

He turned to me with pain in his eyes

He said "I hope you lead a life without compromise."

Sort of like a charming man who has made his share of mistakes trying to help a stranger not make the same questionable decisions.

Lonely Robot Boy (Horse Called Tomorrow)

I was getting ready for work the other day when the phrase, "I'm just a lonely robot boy..." popped into my head.

At first I thought it was a stray idea that would soon fade. But other related phrases kept coming on the drive to work. 

"I've admired your hinges and servos for some time now," was another line, which made me imagine the robot boy had somehow discovered a female robot. "I admire the chrome of your brow" was the second part to that couplet, but it didn't fit together like I expected.

Then I looked for a place for the robot boy to live. My first thought was an astroid, like in the original Twilight Zone episode, "The Lonely." I spent some time trying to write lyrics to explain how the robot had been abandoned by humans, and so on. Finally, I decided that the robot could just imply his back story, not spell it out.

I'm just a lonely robot boy
Stuck on this forgotten rock
I'll share my battery pack with you
And my charging dock

I've always liked the line, "We'll be together, with a roof right over our heads / We'll share the shelter, of my single bed" from Bob Marley's "Is This Love?" So I adapted it to my robot's circumstances. Sharing a battery pack and charging dock might be the most generous thing a robot boy could do.

I've made my home
In the wreck of this ship
Picked you up on the radar
A curious little blip

I like your hinges
And I admire how
The sunlight caresses
The chrome of your brow

Years ago, my wife and I were watching a movie with our friends Brad and Julia. I think it was the live TV remake of Fail Safe back in 2000. Wow, that's a weird phrase, "Back in 2000." Anyway, there was a scene where the military is tracking a dot on the radar. Other dots are shown in pursuit of the first dot. "Poor little dot," said Julia. That stuck with me.

So the robot boy sees a blip, maybe after hundreds of years not seeing anything on the radar, and it gives him hope. How would a robot boy compliment a robot girl? I would start by admiring her hinges and chrome accents. That's just me.

These mountains remind me
Of a paperback book I read
About a cowboy
And the horse he called Tomorrow

They wandered through the desert
And no matter where they went
They found empty houses
Ghost towns filled with sorrow

There's more than a little WALL-E influence to the imagery and storytelling in this song, but I also wanted to bring in differences, like my robot boy reading paperbacks instead of watching VHS tapes. The books were presumably left behind by humans when they either died out or left for greener planets. I decided to merge that idea with a passing tribute to America's "Horse with No Name."

I already mentioned Bob Marley. I wanted to borrow a line from one of his songs, but I couldn't find a convincing way to use the line I mentioned above. So I turned to "No Woman, No Cry," another beautiful song.

Maybe this isn't the end
Here, little darling, don't shed no tears
Maybe someday
We'll see other suns
The nights can get so cold
But you've got my hand to hold

I hope you enjoy my song. If so, please pass it along to others.